Monday, March 28, 2011

I've been thinking a lot lately, like,

In Our Tears, Secret Garden @ bilik bacaan

...for example, how similar some of us are. I know of this quiet girl who hails from a faraway land. Really, really quiet. She can sit opposite of you during lunch and not speak of a word. She can stand beside you and not speak a word. And really, really shy. She might not have the courage to say 'hi' to you if she doesn't know you, or even if she's a mutual friend. She is just... so quiet. But that doesn't mean she's just as peaceful on the inside. She contains everything of her, her thoughts her feelings her opinions the words she wants to say the words she does not want to say, inside this big ocean of hers. At usual times, it is peaceful. The sea breeze blows, the waves hit the shore. Listen to the peace. During quiet times, or when there is a slight trigger, the ocean becomes unrest, chaotic, hellish, and does not stop until the next day.

Fragile, so, so fragile.

All she wants is someone who is willing to listen to her, who is willing to stay beside her during lonely times. All she wants is a friend.


...for example, love is such a mysterious thing. So many emotions can be triggered just by the sound of the word, let alone gestures. The sweet nothings, verbally and non-verbally; the touch and body and eye contact; the strange "cycle" lol; the need to get hold of your cellphone 24/7; the random thought of that individual 24/7; dates that seem perfectly normal and even mundane to everyone else on earth except them. Why do people need such a person (besides survival of the species lol)? How long should pursuing be before acceptance? How should one behave when together? Do they pay each other's share? What is the right age to have such a person in your life? Is it even necessary? Should people kiss-and-tell for the sake of having something to talk about during pillow talk and truth-or-dare?

Mom, you have nothing to worry about. Your daughter is very guai here. Hahahaha.


...for example, is this feeling I'm getting once in a while homesick? If you don't already know, I'm obsessed with my Gmail account. I love Gmail. Google ftw! I'm also in love with my Nokia E5. I think it rocks big time. But love and obsession are two totally different things. I check my inbox and phone every hour to see if I receive an email or call or message from home. Maybe it's about something really serious like unable to open the file on the computer; maybe it's about something as trivial as baking egg tarts OMGGGG!; maybe it's just a random thought, "hey something just reminded me of you" (thought this hasn't happened yet).

Other strange obsessions recently: soup!, dinner at a round table with a big gang; reading newspaper and doing sudoku very leisurely every moring for an hour or two; have unlimited supply of apples and fresh milk and cereals!; have different breakfast everyday (not that I'm getting bored with PB sandwich).

I miss all the black beans and peanuts and lotus root!


...for example, friends. Of course, now I don't search for the definition of friends, because deep down I know what it means. Even if I'm unable to say it out in words, I know how having friends feels like. It's so strange, y'know, that some people seems to be able to make friends with anyone on earth in a snap of the finger. That's like, a million billion trillionth fraction of the time I need. Often I find it unfair. Why is it that I take such a long time while for the others it's so damn easy? Am I destined to lead my whole life (or at least, for this 3+ years) like this omgwhataterriblethought?

Some people have like skyhigh EQ maaaan! They have sooo much to share, sooo much capacity to contain everything of you, sooo much heart to love you! How do people managed to do that! *salute


And of course, what is it in a person that can and cannot be changed? How does one knows what he can or cannot change? How long should change occur? Does one have to not become himself in order to become someone he wants to be? Is it worth it to take the dare and lose yourself for a moment to become the self you want to be, and you're not sure yet whether you'll like it when you're the person you want to be?


Cluttered mind.

Back to study.

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